Working It Out - Part I

I started out the year with a lot of enthusiasm for losing the weight that I've gained since my wedding and relocation to California. I followed about the same plan as I did back in 2006, and I was making progress.

Then I just…stopped. Stopped worrying about what I was eating, stopped using the elliptical machine at home, stopped weighing myself - just stopped.

And then I started to think, to really think, about what my motivations were for gaining the weight and losing weight, for dieting and exercising and for NOT dieting and exercising. How can I care so much one day and then care not at all the next?

Then Jackie posted about this book that she and Eric had read, and although the book looked really interesting to me, I thought "I can't read that book right now. I should be dieting. I'm trying to lose weight."

And then I thought about going to the farmer's market for some veggies for a salad and thought "I can't do that yet. I'm trying to lose weight."

And then it hit me: I've become so disconnected from "food" that a salad, made with local, fresh produce seemed something I shouldn't eat while I was trying to lose weight. And that apparently my desire to lose weight was not connected to a desire to be healthy or stronger, but primarily a desire to just weigh less.

And to me, weighing less apparently meant eating products geared ostensibly toward weight loss:  100 Calorie packs of snacks and/or cookies and low-cal, low-fat, low-whatever frozen entrees. But not food - I've become scared of food because I feel incapable of making good choices. I've let boxes and nutrition labels to tell me what I can eat and in what quantities, to the overall detriment of my health.

And then one day it kind of all came crashing down on me, and I had a lovely moment of clarity. I can never diet again. It took time to gain this weight and it will take time to lose it, but I need to lose it through the combination of healthful eating and increased activity, and I could not live in a better location to support those two habits.

I started by buying the Pollan book, and already I feel better about my ability to choose good food for myself. I've increased my activity and with the weather we've been having, there's simply no excuse not to get out with the dogs for more than our normal walks.

And even though I am committed to un-dieting, I do still need to get to a healthy weight, so I joined SparkPeople in order to have a place to track my food, my fitness, and my other life goals. If you're looking for a tool like this, I can highly recommend SparkPeople.

My moment of clarity, however, was not just about dieting (or un-dieting) - it was also about living a more sustainable lifestyle. I made a salad last night from entirely local ingredients, and it felt wonderful and wholesome and healthy. I'll be buying a bike soon (inspired by Claudia) so that I can run some of my lunchtime errands without using my car. I'm working on digging out a planting bed so I can grow my own herbs, some vegetables, and grow some flowers from seeds.

Basically, I'm just trying to work it all out - "it" being what I want kind of life I want to lead, what kind of legacy I want to leave behind, and what kind of impact I want to have on my environment and in my family. So, it's likely you'll see lots of rambling posts like this as I try to work it all out, and I will appreciate all the help and advice you can share along the way.